In my family, crying is like eating an apple. We might not do it every day, but we know it’s something healthy that we can’t avoid sometimes. And when I say “we”, I include my dad and my brothers. Unlike most of my friends, I’ve never been surprised to see men in my family cry. I have many memories of my father—a 56-year-old bearded Spanish man—crying over a good French film or talking about his mother.
My parents raised my siblings and me to express our feelings the way we wanted, even if it was with tears. Watching my brothers, I’m sure that being comfortable with their emotions has made them confident people, men without most masculinity clichés. For me, a man who cries is a man who lives free.
Women cry more than men. Ad Vingerhoets, a clinical psychologist at Tilburg University, tells us just that. He suggests in his research that a woman would cry between 30 and 64 times a year while men would cry only 6 to 17 times a year. Sure, biology plays a role; women have more prolactin, the hormone that enhances the desire to cry. But stepping out of my bubble, I realized that crying less for men was way bigger than a hormonal thing. The reality seems rooted in social norms. How many of us, women, had to comfort a man having trouble expressing and explaining their feelings, to how many boys we said, “Hey, have you thought about going to the therapist? It can really help you, I’m sure”, how many boys answered “no need, I’ll fix it myself”.
Although we are in the 21st century, emotions, especially crying, are still taboo for the majority of men. For kids, it’s normal, for women, it’s accepted, and for men, it’s weak. When did crying become off-limit for men?
Tears of valor
If we take a look back in history, masculinity has often been portrayed through the lens of physical and emotional toughness. Yet it has not always been like that; history reveals different attitudes toward men and crying. During Antiquity, warriors like Achilles shed tears. In the Iliad, Achilles weeps for his fallen friend Patroclus, and these tears signify not weakness but a deep, honourable bond of love and respect. In Rome, Roman leaders like Caesar weren’t afraid to cry when moved by the sight of their people’s suffering. These expressions of emotions weren’t mocked but seen as a sign of compassion and strength. During the Middle Ages, knights adhered to a chivalric code that encouraged them to cry when praying for their fallen comrades or in moments of divine reflection. Men who could cry had a divine gift that was desired by all.
As we entered the 19th and 20th centuries, Industrialization and the Enlightenment drove the repression of emotions among men bringing new ideals that valued reason over emotion – rationality vs sentiment. The “Emotional History of Men” in the French Gender History Journal Clio explains that “the onset of the industrial age, coupled with the traumatic experiences of the World Wars, solidified a new archetype of stoic masculinity, where emotional restraint became synonymous with strength”. The “real man” was now supposed to remain stoic and keep his emotions private. Vulnerability was suddenly a sign of weakness.
Cinema, literature, and all sorts of cultural representations strengthened the popular culture of the “tough guy”. Society’s expectations relied on men holding back their tears, and many men grew up learning that crying was breaking an unspoken rule of masculinity. The media played a crucial role in reinforcing this stereotype. Hollywood’s golden age in the 1950s gave us icons like John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, men who represented the “strong, silent type.” They were rugged, unemotional, and handled their problems with a clenched jaw rather than tears. This image was further solidified in war films, sports broadcasts, and advertisements, where men were depicted as pillars of strength, showing no vulnerability.
In the repression of emotions, I ask the father
The reinforcement of these norms didn’t just stop at the cinema. The Québec’s Healthcare division highlights the importance of the masculine figure for a kid: “Emotionally, a positive male figure helps children, especially boys, to develop a better understanding and management of their emotions. By providing an example of balanced masculinity, integrating strength and vulnerability, male figures help to break down the harmful stereotypes associated with male emotional expression”.
Psychologist William Pollack suggests in his thesis “The War for Boys” that when boys are taught to suppress their emotions, it doesn’t just affect their mental health but also how they interact in relationships later in life.
Growing up in a patriarchal society may also contribute to important public health concerns such as gender-based violence. Indeed, early socialization experiences in childhood, such as being repeatedly shamed for expressing vulnerable emotions, can have lasting influence into adulthood in ways that shape their intimate relationships.
William Pollack
Many fathers were shaped by these images in 20th-century culture and the trauma of wars. They passed down this emotional restraint to their sons. Phrases like “boys don’t cry” and “man up” became common refrains in households.
But this cultural standard has come at a high cost. Studies have shown that emotional suppression is linked to higher rates of mental health issues among men. According to research by the American Psychological Association, men who regularly suppress their emotions are at a higher risk for depression and anxiety. Their statistics indicate that men are almost four times more likely to die by suicide than women.
Boys do cry
We’re starting to see a slow but powerful shift. As mental health awareness grows, so does the recognition that everyone—no matter their gender—needs a safe space to be vulnerable. Therapy, self-help books, and mental health campaigns have begun to normalize the idea that men, too, can open up and show their emotions without shame. For example, the “Movember” movement focuses on men’s mental health by encouraging vulnerability as part of self-care.
In 2017, the Huffington Post asked men when they last cried. They made a video of the answers to raise awareness of male suicide with the hashtag #Boysdocry. According to the International Association for Suicide Prevention back in 2019, men’s suicide rate was globally twice higher than women, making it the leading cause of death for men under 45. Researchers at the British Institute “Mind” linked the suicide rate and the social pressure on men’s emotions. They explain that men who are struggling are less likely to ask for help and share their feelings with loved ones than women. If a boy wants to show his vulnerabilities or seek comfort, it’s instantly more challenging than it is for a girl.
If my father, a symbol of stoic Spanish masculinity, can shed a tear without losing his strength, why can’t others? Tears shouldn’t be a last-ditch option for men, save for only the most devastating moments. If we truly want boys and men to be healthier and happier, then crying should be just as natural for them as it is for anyone else. So, next time you see a man holding back his tears, remind him that even the great Greek heroes wept without shame—because sometimes, letting it out is the truest sign of strength.
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