“If my man doesn’t cry on our wedding day, I don’t want him.” Many women across social media used the phrase, which gained millions of views over the summer. The TikTok trend, which began in 2022, shows that society is becoming more open to men showing vulnerability.
Crying, weeping or sobbing. Whether a soft sniffle or uncontrollable sobbing, we all do it. At birth, when looking at a bright light or when cutting an onion. According to Charles Darwin, it’s an incidental reaction. But there are also other reasons for our tears. Think about anxiety, grief, movies and perhaps even happiness. So why have most of us rarely seen a man cry in public?
When people use these phrases, they don’t just tell boys to stop crying; they also teach them to stop feeling.”
Dr. Lise Eliot
Men have no emotions
Many people wrongly believe that men are less emotional than women. Although women express their emotions more, they don’t experience them more. At a young age, boys and girls cry the same amount. At five, boys are taught not to cry in public, and by twelve, they’ve perfected this skill. Higher testosterone levels influence this, but let’s not forget what society teaches us. In Western society, people use phrases like ‘be a man’ or ‘don’t be a faggot’ to tell boys and men to toughen up. According to Dr. Lise Eliot, when people use these phrases, they don’t just tell boys to stop crying; they also teach them to stop feeling. Society builds walls around boys, brick by brick, until their tears have no way out. We live in a stereotypical society that forces men to be strong and dominant. Meanwhile, it portrays women as empathetic and emotional. In Western culture, crying is seen as something women do, and for men, it’s viewed as weak. Dr. Caroline Heldman explains in the documentary The Mask You Live In that masculinity is reactive, rejecting everything feminine.
Not only do men cry less, but women cry more. An average woman experiences more pain in her life, from experiences like sexual abuse to health problems linked to a bad mood, such as menopause. However, compared to men, they use their tears more to bond with others, such as comforting other women after a break-up. Besides this, women are more aware of how to influence people with their tears, which is often referred to as crocodile tears. While tears are functional for women, men are taught to keep theirs hidden.
A history of weeping men
If we look at our history, it hasn’t always been this way. On the contrary, throughout history, men didn’t have to hide their tears and pretend something was in their eye. Think about the Ancient Greeks admiring the crying King Priam and the weeping Zeus as heroic role models. Another example is the Japanese epic The Tale of Heike. The crying men were seen as the ideal samurai. But over the years, this idea shifted slowly. The rise of industrialism likely shifted this idea, as emotions interfered with hard work in the factories, according to an article by Aeon.
This rather old-fashioned idea hits close to home when I think about my own surroundings. I’ve rarely seen my dad or any male relatives, cry. Growing up in the countryside, in a family of farmers, you had to be tough and get the work done in time with no time for crying. However, after studying in a city and making new friends, I saw many other perspectives. Suddenly, expressing emotions became normal. I realized that crying is not the same everywhere.
Our Western society is in huge contrast with some other cultures where crying isn’t seen as a sign of weakness but rather about connections with others or the community.”
Smiling at funerals
Although people cry privately in similar ways across cultures, Ad Vingerhoets points out in Why Only Humans Weep that its social aspect differs. In private, the frequency and expression of crying aren’t very different from other cultures. However, different cultures have other attitudes and beliefs towards tears and emotions. Our Western society is in huge contrast with some other cultures where crying isn’t seen as a sign of weakness but rather about connections with others or the community. Take, for example, the Japanese crying bars, where people come together to cry and share their feelings. On the other hand, a Japanese widow must smile when she learns that her husband has died in combat. An honorable death requires her to smile, and crying would make her appear weak. Another culture that views crying completely different than we do are the Bosavi of New Guinea. Imagine living in a culture where crying isn’t just expected, it’s required. At a funeral, you must show your grief through tears. Not crying makes you insensitive and rude. Even if you weren’t very close to the deceased, you must cry. It’s comparable to saying a few polite words in Western society.
Happy tears are often about more than joy, they’re a release of previously suppressed negative emotions
Verywellmind
Tears of joy
However, it’s important to keep in mind that not all tears come from a physical reaction or sadness. Some are a form of happiness, like holding a newborn baby or winning the lottery. The four forms of happy tears are amusement, affection, beauty, and achievement. However, happy tears are often about more than joy; they release previously suppressed negative emotions, according to Verywellmind. For example, crying after winning an award releases feelings of stress and struggle. Remarkably, there is no difference in frequency between men and women crying tears of joy.
Crying is good
Letting out your emotions by crying, positive or negative, offers many benefits. We all know the feeling of relief after crying. In addition to improving relationships, expressing emotions can positively impact your physical health. According to a study from Harvard Medical School, the most important function of our tears is removing debris and lubricating our eyes, protecting them from infection. Crying also releases endorphins, or feel-good chemicals, which can improve your mood, help recover from grief and restore emotional balance. It also works the other way around. Repressing emotions and their expression negatively impacts your health. Men cry on average 1.3 times a month compared to women, who cry on average 5.3 times, according to the American Psychological Association. Knowing that at a young age, boys cry nearly as much as girls, this indicates that men repress their tears more often, resulting in negative consequences. Nearly one in ten men experiences depression, and roughly 75% of suicides are men.
The increase in awareness about mental health is the main cause of having more acceptance towards crying men. Social media plays a key role in this shift. Scrolling on social media, you see people sharing their own stories, encouraging each other to have conversations, and videos portraying crying men easily reach large audiences. Besides this, changing conversations about toxic masculinity, feminism and mental health are creating a shift towards a more accepting society for crying men.
Although there is a need for society to change and encourage men to express their emotions, we should begin with asking ourselves how comfortable we are in our own vulnerability.”
Long road ahead
However, as we’ve noticed, there is still a long way to go. Men expressing their emotions isn’t about them learning something new. It’s about getting them out of their heads, back into their hearts and returning them to what they essentially already know. As easy as it sounds, this can’t be done by solely encouraging men to express their emotions. Even though there tends to be a more positive perspective on crying men, as seen on TikTok, it’s generally still perceived as negative. In order to have a higher acceptance towards crying men, gender stereotypes and mental health stigmas should be removed from society. Although there is a need for society to change and encourage men to express their emotions, we should begin by asking ourselves how comfortable we are with our own vulnerability.
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